Families
Problems and disputes are not uncommon in families! In many cases people try to find a way to sort things out themselves. But sometimes it is impossible; relationships have broken down to such an extent that families need outside help. This page looks at the ADR options for dealing with family disputes. It focuses on two particular issues: families which are splitting up, and young people who are at risk of homelessness.
Further information is given below on:
We’re splitting up – what do I need to know?
Is mediation right for me?
Mum’s chucking me out – we need to talk
We’re splitting up – what do I need to know?
When you decide to split up with your partner, there are three main things that need to be sorted out:
- Your children – if you have kids, who will they live with, and when will they see the other parent?
- Your home, your money and your stuff – who will live where? What will happen to your mortgage or your tenancy? Who will get to keep the CD collection?
- The legal matters – if you are married, or in a civil partnership, do you want a legal separation or a divorce? When? How do you go about it?
The first step is to get some information about what’s involved. Here are some places where you can get friendly, unfussy guidance:
Advicenow guides - family – the Advicenow website produces a number of guides on coping with separation and divorce. In particular, have a look at Divorce - a survival toolkit, We're splitting up and Parents apart.
Community Legal Advice – this government website has a whole series of leaflets on common legal problems, including Divorce and separation and Living together and your rights if you separate.
Parenting plans – if you want to try to agree arrangements for your children between yourselves, you may find that filling in a blank parenting plan gives you a helpful structure for your discussions, and helps you cover all the things that need to be thought about. There is a guide on the CAFCASS website.
Legal advice - when faced with separation or divorce, around three quarters of people go straight to a solicitor. Solicitors can give you advice about your situation and the law, negotiate arrangements on your behalf, refer you to another service such as a local family mediation provider, or if necessary, represent you at court. If you want to locate a local family law solicitor, here are three sites where you can find one:
Resolution (Solicitors Family Law Association)
Law Society accredited family law solicitors
Community Legal Advice Legal Advisers
Family Mediation
Your solicitor, your doctor, the courts – all of these people will probably suggest you think about using mediation. Family mediation has been around in the UK for 30 years, and it works for many people. It doesn’t work for everybody. In the next section we look at what it is, and how to decide whether it might be right for you.
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Is mediation right for me?
Some separating couples manage to settle most issues over a cup of tea, or perhaps a pint. Sometimes feelings are running so high that you simply can’t even be in the same room as each other, and things may well end up in court. In around a quarter of relationships there is domestic violence, and it may well be unfair, and indeed unsafe, to try to negotiate together. But there are many couples who could sit down and talk to each other about arrangements that might work, if only they had someone to support them and manage the conversation.
Family mediation is not about getting back together. It is a chance for couples who are splitting up to sit down, together with an independent mediator, and make arrangements for the future. You could have been married or living together. You may or may not have children. You may need to work out plans for any number of things, including your children, your money, or your home. The mediator will bring you and your ex together for one or more meetings, to talk though all the things you can’t agree about. The mediator will manage the discussion, you and your ex will make any decisions together. The mediator won’t tell you what to do, give you legal advice (like a solicitor) or make a decision for you (like a judge).
You don’t use mediation instead of getting legal advice – usually it is a good idea to see a solicitor as well, to check that anything you might agree in mediation is fair and reasonable. Most cases don’t end up in court – most cases are settled by the two solicitors sending letters to each other until both sides agree. Mediation means that you get to do these negotiations face-to-face with your ex, rather than at arm’s length through your solicitors. If you can agree on what you want at the end of the process, it is likely to be cheaper than paying solicitors to do all the work for you. More importantly, it is also a good way to learn how to communicate and negotiate well with your ex, especially if you will have to keep in touch in the future over arrangements for your children,
If you are paying for your own legal advice, it is up to you whether you decide to mediate – though both sides have to agree before you get started. If you are on legal aid, there is a point at which you have to go and see a mediator to talk about whether mediation is suitable. You can get initial legal advice under the legal aid scheme, but if you want your solicitor to represent you in court proceedings, then the government won’t fund this unless you have a meeting with a mediator first. This doesn’t mean that you have to mediate – only to meet with a mediator to discuss whether mediation is suitable. There are a few exceptions to this rule, especially if you are a victim of domestic abuse.
There is one big advantage to mediation if you are on legal aid: the government will pay for your mediation and your legal advice as well, and you won’t have to pay it back. It is a gift, not a loan. If you don’t use mediation, your legal aid will have to be repaid at some stage, when you sell the house or start earning enough money. This is a government policy to encourage people to consider mediation.
If you want to know more about how family mediation works, have a look at the Family Mediation page on this website.
Our Advicenow website has a section on family mediation, where you can download leaflets, try a mediation quiz, and listen to podcasts to give you a flavour of what it might be like. Browse on Advicenow family mediation.
If you want to ask questions, talk to someone about whether mediation is right for you, or locate a local family mediator, get in touch with the government funded Family Mediation Helpline.
You should also be aware that throughout the court process you will be encouraged to try mediation, if you haven’t yet done so. There is also a court ‘Financial Dispute Resolution Scheme’ where the judge will try to mediate an agreement on financial matters as part of the court process. There is more information about this on the Family Mediation page on this site.
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Mum’s chucking me out – we need to talk
Many young people find themselves faced with leaving home at an early age. The government believes that “generally it will be in the best interests of 16 and 17 year olds to live in the family home, unless it would be unsafe or unsuitable”. There are many different reasons why teenagers leave home. If a teenager is leaving because of violence or abuse, going home is not a safe or suitable option – they need support and emergency housing. On the other hand, parents and teenagers have never found it easy to sit down and talk in a friendly and co-operative way, and many teenagers simply want to leave because they are fed up with their parents, or their parents are fed up with them. It may be that a mediator could help them see each other’s point of view, and agree rules for living together.
In recent years, many local authorities throughout the UK have introduced mediation schemes for families and young people at risk of homelessness. Mediation is intended to bring the young person together with their family to explore whether it is possible to negotiate a safe and sustainable return home. Organisations like Alone in London have found that mediation can be effective in improving communication and restoring relationships, and that with ongoing support for the family from a caseworker some young people can stay at home for their teenage years.
If they are 16 or 17, young people leaving home are automatically in priority need when it comes to local authority housing. Local authorities are clearly keen to reduce their housing bill, and also have government targets to reduce the number of young people in temporary accommodation. Many local authorities have found that introducing mediation at an early stage of the homelessness application process is effective in reducing both – and not always for reasons which are in the best interests of the young people concerned. It is important to think very carefully about whether homelessness mediation is helpful or safe for each individual family. If you want to read more about the policy issues involved, have a look at the first article in ASA’s ADR Update no 19.
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June 2008
