Sandra’s story

2.Main Content

Sandra’s story

Sandra and her husband Jake have split up, and she looks after their two children. They are arguing about contact arrangements, and about money. She decides to use family mediation to try to reach an agreement with Jake.

My problem
Jake left us six weeks ago to live with a new girlfriend. I had no idea he was seeing someone else, so I was shattered by the whole thing. We have two young children, and it’s been really tough for them as well. What makes it all worse is the money – I’m a dinner lady at the local junior school, and I don’t earn much – I’m getting behind with the rent. Jake ought to be helping out with this, but he won’t reply to my messages. He keeps sending me texts about wanting to see the kids, but I can’t bear the thought of them going to that woman’s house. Anyway, why should he get to see them if he won’t pay anything for their home and their food? That doesn’t seem fair to me.

The Children Act (1989) states that the most important principle in making decisions about children after separation or divorce is the welfare of the child. The Act also uses the word “contact” rather than “access” when talking about arrangements for children to see the parent they don’t live with. The aim was to stress the importance for children to have contact with their parents, rather than focus on the right of parents to have access to their children.

My options
I went to visit my local CAB, and they told me that I really needed some advice from a family lawyer. They gave me the names of a few local firms, and told me that since my income was so low, I could probably get legal aid to pay for the advice. They also suggested I made an appointment to see their money adviser later that week, since I could probably claim some benefits to help with the children and with paying the rent. They said that the child support agency could calculate how much Jake should pay for the kids, and the CSA would collect the money too if I was on benefits.

I got an appointment with a solicitor the next week, and she checked I could claim legal aid, which meant it wouldn’t cost me anything. She wrote to Jake asking for a regular payment for the children, but he replied to say he wouldn’t pay me a penny unless he could have them to stay every weekend. When my solicitor phoned to tell me what he had said, I was furious. I told her to take him to court. Then she explained that she couldn’t get legal aid to represent me at court unless I first had a meeting with a mediator to talk about whether mediation might be a good way to resolve the dispute. She reassured me that I didn’t have to actually go to a mediation appointment with Jake unless I wanted to – I just had to meet the mediator to talk about whether mediation might be suitable. It didn’t seem like I had a choice about it.

The national family mediation helpline is an independent helpline covering England and Wales. You can phone to talk about what mediation is, how it works, and whether it’s right for you. They will put you in touch with local mediators if you want to take it further. The phone number is 0845 60 26 627

My solicitor gave me the phone number of the national family mediation helpline. I phoned up and spoke to someone there about how family mediation works, and she gave me the number of a couple of local family mediation services. I phoned them both to check whether they did legal aid, and one of them did, so I made an appointment to see a mediator the next week.

When I went along I talked to this mediator guy for about thirty minutes – he was really nice, not at all the sort of person I’d imagined. He said mediation would only happen if we both agreed. If we did agree, we would meet together with him to talk through the things we were arguing about, and to try to agree a solution which we could both live with.

He asked me whether it would be OK for me to sit in the same room as Jake, or whether I was frightened he might be violent. That’s never been a problem for me, luckily. He also asked me what I thought the children wanted to happen, which did make me stop and think. I’d been so furious with Jake that I hadn’t really wondered about whether they missed their dad.

Mediation involves an independent third party (the mediator) helping disputing parties to resolve their problem. You decide the terms of the agreement, not the mediator. All types of mediation have the following in common:
It is voluntary - the parties choose to mediate or not
It is private and confidential
The parties make the final decision on how to resolve the dispute
The mediator is impartial - he or she does not take sides or say who is right and who is wrong
The mediator won’t give advice to either person
The mediator is independent

I said I’d think about it, and the mediator asked if it would be OK to phone Jake and invite him to an initial meeting separately. I agreed.

What happened
The following week the mediation service phoned to say that they had met with Jake, and he was keen to try one mediation session to start with. I agreed a date for a ninety-minute mediation meeting a couple of weeks later. I asked if it would be OK to bring the kids along as it was half term, but they told me that they didn’t have room, so I asked my mum to look after the children on that day.

I was a bit worried about how much all this was going to cost, so I phoned my solicitor to ask.

Intake meetings are free for both parents, so long as one of you is on legal aid.

If you are eligible for legal aid, you won’t have to pay for the mediation sessions either. The legal aid fund will pay for your mediation, and for legal help and advice from your solicitor in between the mediation appointments. You won’t have to pay this money back, as you do with most legal aid, as the government wants to encourage people to use mediation if it is suitable.

If you are not eligible for legal aid, you will have to pay for the appointments. Not-for-profit family mediation services usually charge on a sliding scale according to income. Jake earns about £25,000, so he would probably have to pay around £70 for each session.

I was a bit nervous when we met, as I hadn’t seen Jake since he walked out. But the mediator made us feel comfortable, so it was OK. I got the chance to look Jake in the eye and tell him that I was really struggling to buy food for the three of us, and that they both need new school shoes which I just can’t afford. Then Jake told me how much he missed the kids, and I could see he really meant it. The mediator asked us both to think about what the children might be feeling in the middle of all this change. I asked if we could have a short break, as it was all getting a bit much.

The outcome
When we got back together after ten minutes, I said that I’d been thinking about it, and I thought the children ought to see their dad. The mediator asked us to come up with some ideas about how we could arrange this. Jake wanted them to come and stay at the weekends, but I said they definitely weren’t going to that woman’s house. Anyway, he’s never looked after them for more than a few hours in their lives, so he needed a bit of practice before he could start having them overnight.

Jake suggested he could take them to the pizza house for lunch, or perhaps he could visit them while they were round at my mum’s. I agreed we would try both of these on the next two weekends, and see how it worked out. When I thought about it, it would be nice to have a bit of time to myself at weekends. Jake said he’d take them out to the pizza house this weekend, and take them shopping in the afternoon to buy them both school shoes. We both wrote down the times, and I said I’d text Jake about the next week when I’d spoken to my mum. He said he’d send me £75 each Monday towards the rent and food. I didn’t think this was enough, but it was better than nothing. The mediator wrote down what we’d agreed, and we each had a copy. I didn’t sign anything, because I wanted to think about it.

We agreed to meet up in two weeks to see how things were going, and to see if we could agree a regular arrangement for Jake to see the kids. We both said we wanted to sort out the financial arrangements properly, but I wanted to talk to my solicitor first, and contact the child support agency. The mediator gave us each a form to take away, and asked us to fill in details of how much we earn, and what our expenses are each week. We should bring them with us next time, to start the discussion about money.

May 22nd 2006